Duncan Hunter

Duncan Hunter is a man on the brink. He’s a perfect example of how big responsibilities can make people do things they regret, how the big banks can grind someone down with debt, and how any man or woman can be driven to break the law. Duncan Hunter needs a break.

Duncan Hunter has had a lot of debt for a long time, so much in fact, that he and his wife Margaret were overdrawn on their bank account well over a thousand times, resulting in $37,761 in overdraft fees. They were living on the edge, using credit cards to pay for everything and racking up finance charges to the tune of $24,600.

Add to that Duncan Hunter’s responsibilities to the voters, and you’ve got one deeply indebted, stressed-out guy living beyond his means on a government salary. It’s a recipe for disaster. Faced with such stresses, being handed campaign money in the hundreds of thousands of dollars was just too much. Poor Duncan! Who would not be tempted by such a bounty?

Once Poor Duncan saw the cash rolling into his campaign, he took full advantage. At first, it was his wife who illegally spent campaign money on personal items, like Punky Brewster memorabilia. This feels pretty telling, as Punky Brewster was a kid dealing with the stress of not having any friends, and trying to fit in with her adopted family.

Soon, Duncan was no longer Poor Duncan. At last, he was Dapper Duncan!

Dandy Duncan!

Dolla Dolla Bills Y’all Duncan!

He and his wife were both dipping into campaign funds for things like swanky golf outings, Apple laptops for personal use, and even video games. These are the purchases of people who aren’t criminals, they just really need to relax. When Duncan caught his campaign workers trying to keep records of how the money was being spent, he was understandably upset that they didn’t grasp how much he needed those golf trips. Those golf trips were essential to his mental health.

All in all, Duncan and Margaret stole over a quarter of a million dollars from his campaign, money Duncan’s supporters gave him so he could get re-elected and represent them. Instead, that money went to concert tickets, beers at the racetrack and ski trips. Faced with the choice between using campaign funds to buy either www.DuncanHunter.com or some (no doubt very tasteful) Hawaiian shorts for himself, Duncan chose the shorts.

Is it Dapper Duncan’s fault that he has great taste? No! Is it his fault that, unlike most of his Republican colleagues, he wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth? Of course not! Therefore, it can hardly be his fault that he had to embezzle from his own supporters to buy himself that silver spoon. Scraping by on a paltry $174,000 salary when half your caucus has a private jet is, like, super embarrassing. He’s just trying to fit in with the cool kids.

Similarly, we can’t really blame dear Dunkie for allegedly spending many thousands of embezzled dollars on extramarital dalliances. By involving his wife in some of his crimes, Duncan put his marriage under quite a strain, and during such a difficult period, who hasn’t looked outside the confines of their marriage for comfort once or twice or, OK, at least five times in this particular case? Let he who has not stolen campaign funds to take a mistress on that ski trip we mentioned earlier while bringing other mistresses to a variety of various swanky hotels throw the first stone!

Some might say that infidelity on this scale is a pretty shabby way to treat one’s family, but Margaret probably didn’t even notice; after all, she was very busy spending the salary that Duncan was illegally paying her out of campaign funds in violation of Title 18, United States Code, Section 371. Meanwhile, his constituents and supporters couldn’t possibly have been bothered, because Duncan assured them that he was a committed family man and living the Christian values that he preached. What they didn’t know, didn’t hurt them, even if they were paying for it… right?

Alas for Darling Duncan, the sneaky mainstream media soon spoiled his necessary stress relief, and were very unforgiving when he explained that his wife “handled my finances.” Many of his Republican colleagues expressed their disgust to see him immediately blame his wife for their years of joint criminality, but these sentiments are misplaced. Duncan only threw Margaret under the bus because he thought it was too cramped and dark under there for prosecutors to follow her!

We can’t blame Duncan Hunter for his egregious crimes. He’s just overworked, overstressed, and the ways he relaxes are really darn expensive. The man needs a vacation! He’s already been kicked off the Armed Services Committee even though he hides that from his constituents. And while the Department of Justice may soon provide him with free room and board at one of California’s fine correctional institutions, he can’t wait that long; Duncan needs a break now. Fortunately, there’s an opportunity coming soon for the good people of California’s 50th District to vote for his opponent, and let Duncan Hunter enjoy the retirement that his supporters have, quite unwittingly, already paid for.